Just to Clarify

... I don't usually have the luxury of keeping pregnancy a secret for too long. I unfortunately have very difficult pregnancies and through pure necessity I need to disclose the information a lot sooner than I would like.

At the risk of sharing too much I feel that I have a story to tell and that it might help someone else along the way. Most who know me know that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and I have no problem talking about them. So in an effort to share but not make you feel I am ungrateful for my trials and struggles, please know that I am not looking for sympathy and I am very aware of my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ, who is making this current struggle something I can bear.

You see, nothing about pregnancy is easy for me. I am grateful for my two boys but what a mighty struggle it was to conceive, be pregnant and then to deliver them through c-section.

We struggled mightily, during the beginning of our marriage to bring a little on into the world. After a few miscarriages I finally turned to my husband and told him that if we did not have a baby by my 25th birthday, we were going to start the adoption process - for I wanted to be a mother whether it be my own flesh and blood was beside the point! Wouldn't you know that 5 days before my 25th birthday we welcomed our first child into the world. After 4 years of marriage we were thrilled to have had a successful, albeit, hard pregnancy. I was sick my entire pregnancy. I was no stranger to IV's to be rehydrated, or trying different nausea medications to find one that would help squelch the sickness. After a somewhat long labor, we were rushed into an emergency c-section and our son was safely delivered.

Fast forward 3 years and we were happy to discover we were pregnant again and my pregnancy was just as difficult, with trips to the ER for iv's and lots of nausea medicine that made me feel like I was passing life in a blur. The mother guilt was the worst this pregnancy - for my serious sickness made it impossible for me to be the mom I wanted to be to my 3 year old. He would bring me crackers and we would lay down and read books together and we made it through another 9 months of haze and sickness. Our second son was born via c-section and spent a few hours in the NICU until he was able to breath on his own.

After his birth I was so stunned by the awesome task of raising two children. Now I have friends who have many children and I am always in awe of them. I was struggling mightily with my feelings of inadequacy and pure doubts that I couldn't do my job, my calling of that as mother.

Now both of my boys are amazing! I am blessed to have great children. Don't get me wrong we have our struggles, our frustrations, our joys, etc.... but I was so overwhelmed with the struggles that I didn't enjoy the bliss. Most of my close friends know that I was done having children. That I felt I was stretched beyond belief. They helped me through my doubts and by their examples taught me that being a mother is wonderful and that I don't have to be perfect at it.

For the last year or so, my dear husband has been asking if we could think about having another. I couldn't even fathom the idea of another child, but the spiritual experiences I was having while working on the Youth Pioneer Handcart Trek that our stake went on last year truly changed my heart. In fact, while we were on the trail, covered in dirt, I realized that I was indeed not done having children and I was scarred beyond belief. I was not sure I would be capable of being that sick again, or deal with the thought of maybe loosing another pregnancy, or if I would be able to deal the thoughts that I would be abandoning my family as I dealt with my severe pregnancy sickness. I was so scarred and then one day I realized that I didn't have to face those fears alone. Not only would my husband be there to support and sustain where I couldn't, but that my burden would be lifted! I became increasingly aware in the scripture in Ecclesiastes (3:1): " To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven." It was time to put my fears aside and do my part in welcoming another of God's sweet spirits into our home.

Yes we are pregnant; yes I am scarred; no I am not that far along; nor am I oblivious to the fact that we are still at risk of having a miscarriage, I have faith that I will be lifted when I need to be; yes my husband and children are being so very helpful as I have spent the last 2 1/2 weeks in bed, and I pray that I will be able to manage the sickness well enough to not feel like a bystander in my own life.

So in August we will welcome the newest Kanzler into the world and in the meantime, we are praying mightily that all will go according to our Father in Heaven's will.

Thanks for your prayers and your support.